drink port before bed
because it relaxes the brain muscles.
i haven't been driven to post too much of late. or write in my journal. normally it's because i am busy living my life, and uninclined to dissect it. truthfully i believe it's because i read books on the train instead of writing, and have therapy to vent now.
but tomorrow's therapy session won't be sufficient for what i feel today.
so tired i can't sleep
because then i'll miss if a friend emails me back or signs onto instant messenger
because i can't stop coughing this little mid-throat cough which has kept me up the past two nights
because i want so badly not to be alone right now and yet can't be with someone for a multitude of reasons, here are two:
1) i have no boyfriend to sleep in the bed, beside me. 2) any friend or relative i wish i could sit and talk to is in another place. this one upsets me so, that i can't sleep. my brother is in chicago, and that guts me. it fucking does. i know him, i love him, and i feel like a whole version of myself when i'm near him. and my mom, and my dad, and my best friend, and my dog. not one of those individuals is closeby.
hearing my friend alissa's news today shattered me. i keep thinking about what it must be like to watch my mother die. slowly. suddenly. some days i don't feel strong enough to stay in new york. because it breaks me down a little every day. i feel like i don't have the constitution to do more than just work and sleep and drink and complain. and then i don't feel strong enough to leave, because it would take so much to rebuild my life somewhere else. i could go to san francisco or chicago or boston. or europe. but i can't get my life into order here. just doing my job. this year has been so hard. i never feel 100%. ever. like i'm always getting or having or recovering from a cold or some bullshit. and like i'm never going to have a relationship. and that my work situation will only resolve itself when i get the next job.
if i could muster the willpower to clean my room, and organize all my shit, and throw alot away, and give alot away... maybe then the moving and shifting and changing would be less daunting. but i can't find the motivation to clean and organize and do and be better. it's too hard.
it's always "tomorrow"
so tomorrow... i want to wake up early and not go back to bed, and turn on the stereo and clean my fucking room, and eat the food i bought at the grocery store today, and have a good therapy session and not hate work tomorrow night.
but fuck if i don't wish that a boy would take me to a movie sometime soon and kiss me during the closing credits. because he can't wait until a subway station or a stoop.
i'm afraid to live beyond 50%. if i lived 100% then i'd have to use my hours and my days and be productive. i'm afraid of sleep deprivation. in a week i will be working 7am to 5pm. i'm afraid of a normal schedule. and that's what i'm working toward. i fucking hate it. i'm not a morning person. if i had my nights, then i could have a life. i could have another job. i could have a boyfriend, if i could find a boy... i need to promise myself right now: no more sleeping in. no more excuses. no more two days of the same socks. no more feeling sorry for my single self. i don't have time for my own bullshit. yes, no more erica bullshit, that's my promise to myself. eat breakfast, and at least one other meal every day. drink water. return people's phone calls. write back to emails. no more erica bullshit.
fuck yeah.
i love you mom and dad. i'm glad the thought of losing you petrifies me. because it makes me call mom in the middle of the day. because it makes dad psychic and call me when i'm in the dairy aisle. only he knows what this means: petit filous!
at least real things make me cry. movies sometimes do now, too. but a year ago i wouldn't have genuinely cried about any of this shit. i'm going to be so awesome once i get through all my bullshit.
i haven't been driven to post too much of late. or write in my journal. normally it's because i am busy living my life, and uninclined to dissect it. truthfully i believe it's because i read books on the train instead of writing, and have therapy to vent now.
but tomorrow's therapy session won't be sufficient for what i feel today.
so tired i can't sleep
because then i'll miss if a friend emails me back or signs onto instant messenger
because i can't stop coughing this little mid-throat cough which has kept me up the past two nights
because i want so badly not to be alone right now and yet can't be with someone for a multitude of reasons, here are two:
1) i have no boyfriend to sleep in the bed, beside me. 2) any friend or relative i wish i could sit and talk to is in another place. this one upsets me so, that i can't sleep. my brother is in chicago, and that guts me. it fucking does. i know him, i love him, and i feel like a whole version of myself when i'm near him. and my mom, and my dad, and my best friend, and my dog. not one of those individuals is closeby.
hearing my friend alissa's news today shattered me. i keep thinking about what it must be like to watch my mother die. slowly. suddenly. some days i don't feel strong enough to stay in new york. because it breaks me down a little every day. i feel like i don't have the constitution to do more than just work and sleep and drink and complain. and then i don't feel strong enough to leave, because it would take so much to rebuild my life somewhere else. i could go to san francisco or chicago or boston. or europe. but i can't get my life into order here. just doing my job. this year has been so hard. i never feel 100%. ever. like i'm always getting or having or recovering from a cold or some bullshit. and like i'm never going to have a relationship. and that my work situation will only resolve itself when i get the next job.
if i could muster the willpower to clean my room, and organize all my shit, and throw alot away, and give alot away... maybe then the moving and shifting and changing would be less daunting. but i can't find the motivation to clean and organize and do and be better. it's too hard.
it's always "tomorrow"
so tomorrow... i want to wake up early and not go back to bed, and turn on the stereo and clean my fucking room, and eat the food i bought at the grocery store today, and have a good therapy session and not hate work tomorrow night.
but fuck if i don't wish that a boy would take me to a movie sometime soon and kiss me during the closing credits. because he can't wait until a subway station or a stoop.
i'm afraid to live beyond 50%. if i lived 100% then i'd have to use my hours and my days and be productive. i'm afraid of sleep deprivation. in a week i will be working 7am to 5pm. i'm afraid of a normal schedule. and that's what i'm working toward. i fucking hate it. i'm not a morning person. if i had my nights, then i could have a life. i could have another job. i could have a boyfriend, if i could find a boy... i need to promise myself right now: no more sleeping in. no more excuses. no more two days of the same socks. no more feeling sorry for my single self. i don't have time for my own bullshit. yes, no more erica bullshit, that's my promise to myself. eat breakfast, and at least one other meal every day. drink water. return people's phone calls. write back to emails. no more erica bullshit.
fuck yeah.
i love you mom and dad. i'm glad the thought of losing you petrifies me. because it makes me call mom in the middle of the day. because it makes dad psychic and call me when i'm in the dairy aisle. only he knows what this means: petit filous!
at least real things make me cry. movies sometimes do now, too. but a year ago i wouldn't have genuinely cried about any of this shit. i'm going to be so awesome once i get through all my bullshit.
posted by cheffy boots @ 9:59 PM
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