i'm single, again?

i haven't been blogging lately because i've been busy with work and dating this guy.
and then i broke up with him this morning, so...
i feel like blogging again.
i wanted to write about what was happening these past weeks, but felt self-conscious, and didn't want him to read all the shit i thought, because somehow i felt that he would find my blog and read it. and the fact that i was so worried about him "finding out" something, was surely a sign that i wasn't into him enough, and once i admitted that to myself i guess he figured it out on his own. sort of.
he said something last night, sitting next to me on the couch, as i was basically falling asleep. all i heard was "i really like you... are you ignoring me?" and i mumbled "yeah..." but what he said in actuality was something about taking me out for valentine's day and stuff. and i hurt his feelings. and he wanted to discuss that this morning when he stopped by. apparently i didn't apologize sufficiently while i was breaking up with him.
i called myself an asshole, and mean, and all that crap.
and confused, and going through alot of stuff at work, with my family, and my head...
i'm fucking depressed, stressed out at work, my grandmother just died.
i owe this dude nothing, except to be honest and as un-mean as possible. i'm sorry if i'm very matter of fact, and stuck inside of my head, but that's where i'm at right now. and my ambivalence is mine, and if that hurts this dude's feelings then i'm sorry, but right now i can't help it.
it's not my fault that i didn't want to sleep with him.
i just don't find him attractive.
and he's freaking weird.
with his ear fetish, and inability to talk in his own words but only movie quotes,
i'm not trying to be a bitch, but i had been agonizing over whether or not to break up with him
and i knew he liked me more. it was obvious.
i'm so used to being dumped, that i didn't know how to dump someone nicely.
and the floodgates are open.
josh would say that i should have known when he said "aboot" the first time. darn canadians.

that was an interesting month of kinda having a boyfriend.

i have to work on myself some more. get some therapy. eat healthy.
it would be nice to have a real relationship, with someone i can be nice to, and want to sleep with, and not feel obligated to spend time with, and all that shit.
argh.
baa.
welcome back to the blog boots.