i don't want to believe it...

so april sent out a pdf of the article with imette's picture in it, from the post.
then i found an article in the nytimes online
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/02/28/nyregion/28dead.html?ex=1141794000&en=f13c90067c282798&ei=5070&emc=eta1

and it's finally hit home that this girl i knew was the victim of something atrocious and transgressive and i don't know how to react.
except to tell people.
because the telling makes it real.
because the writing of a blog makes me feel like something has happened, and this shit matters, and this girl wasn't a friend of mine since gospel choir, but fuck!

when someone dies at the end of a long life, with their family surrounding them, like my grandmother for example, i can comprehend and process the loss. or at least i have tried to comprehend and process the loss of my grandmother.
but she was 86. she had great-grandchildren. i have her cheekbones. i held her hand as she started to slip away, and i knew she was at peace. she is at peace.
the kind of violence that was acted out against imette is non-sensical, and horrendous, and abrupt. she is the third person i knew in high school who has died too young. karen young was murdered a few years ago, jeff was killed in a tragic car accident... why do these things happen? what do they teach us?
that there is evil in the world?
that there is love to battle the evil in the world?
this city feels so lonely and unsafe sometimes, and then vibrant and warm at others. i don't think this tragedy would have hit so close had it happened in boston for some reason. i have explained the nature of new york away so many times... but i can't explain this. i can't.
it's just too fucked up.
it's just too fucked up.

i love you all and miss you all and am hugging you electronically.
erica.